Ukes, their Ties and Why Semes Love them!

Before we embark on yet another useless entry detailing the contents of my head filtered via gay smut let me make a couple of things clear ... because some people who might be new or just pass by find it hard to understand .

1) I am a fangirls and proud of it!
2) I write with horrendous spelling mistakes... I do so in 5 languages including my mother's tongue WHICH ISN'T ENGLISH!!!
3) The above two are in no way an indication that I am under aged... well... I am still under the age of 40 BUT NOT FOR LONG. I am a mother of two and a secretary of a home based IT company which as yet has not gone bankrupt by the current financial crisis ... but this may happen.
4) The above statement should tell you that my life revolve first and foremost around my two sons and then around my husband (who keeps me awake at night with his gorgeous buttocks!) and sometimes around Her Majesty Revenue and Customs which whom you would think I have an illicit affair from all the letters I am receiving.

OK clear now? WOMAN! MARRIED! MOTHER! MORTGAGE! GEEK! FANGIRL! CAN'T SPELL! 9 WHITE HAIRS!!!

Stop sending me emails telling me I shouldn't be reading yaoi if I am under 18 just because I wrote "SQUEE!" with three spelling mistakes (aaah... that would be SKWI... you see? It can be done!).

Also as an aside - Children and Taxes are often why I am not online much ... children because they are awesome Taxes because they hurt my arse! well... what? THEY DO!!!

Anyway - since we are talking about Secretarial stuff and since the weather has turned damp and hot and oppressive which means I can't wear a tie (and that is an ISSUE with me - believe me! I CRAVE ties like a De Quincey craves opium!) So in lamentation of both my inability to adorn myself in neck attire (without choking) and the fact that I just messed up the payroll and we are all going to be payed two days late (and I hope the chairman of the company... aka- The Vulcan Mathematician... aka - husband ... would spank me for it because at least then something nice would come out of it *sparkles*) I here-by celebrate TIE PORN! The YaoiLand version.

Today example comes from the very pretty yet oh -so -inane collection of PWP tales of filing and buttfuckery HISHO WA SACHOU NI KUDORARERU ... And before we plunge (tee hee - I said "plunge" ... again) under lj-cut. I give you the cover showing the Corporate President giving his Secretary a thorough nipple check. This by the way is his DUTY according to the union of secretarail Ukes!






Here you can get a glimpse at the wonderful meaning of the Japanese titles written to you in exquisite clunky Japlish... oh yes - the Lamasu approves much of the rape of various languages by other various languages. It makes for a versatile and varied variety of grammatical orgiastic molestations - PHUWAR!




Also - I utterly adore the concept of having to persuade one's secretary do do his job!

Seme: Call the directors and arrange a board meeting for this afternoon.
Uke: NO!
Seme: May I remind you - it is your JOB!
Uke: Make me!
Seme: *confused*
Uke: *sprawls on desk*
Seme: *confused*
Uke: My trousers are so well ironed... CRUMPLE THEM!.
Seme: Oh I see - *PERSUADES!*
Uke: This is much better... shall I make the appointment for 3:35?

We follow this with the classic "Let me loosen your tie... WITH MY COCK!" scenario. In many cases the Uke might actually be lucky to be tied up with said tie as he protests vehemently (yet unconvincingly in a half hearted manner) against the corporate abuse of his lush body! Leakage is very possible from various Uke parts ... which is probably the reason why Seme's have such clear desks... don't want any Uke juices over your contracts and reports now, do we?




Naturally - Office lurv in YaoiLand is not only reserved for bosses and their submissive subordinates. It also blooms lustily between common salarymen. You know... Yoshiki never realised how beautiful Sakurai was until he saw him angsting by the xerox machine, his glasses steamed by the coffee cup he clutched as the light of the scanner flickered against his polka dot tie imbuing the air with Uke pheromone, rendering him irresistible to Seme-kind...

And so forth... it writes itself really...




And now I would like to discuss Yaoi Euphemism because... well... because I love them so much. And I would like to discuss them with an EAGER Uke which is a bit more of a rare find (that is an Uke who makes the first move... which if I wans't a lady - I would totally be one... being the one who always made the first move because she hates men who hit on her like WOAH! YES I DID SHOVE MY BOOBS IN MY HUSBAND FACE WHEN WE JUST MET!!!) Because not all Ukes are weepy although all are bendy and leaky - FACT!!!




This is a Yaoi Manga - I don't really think I need to explain what "putting milk in Coffee" is a Euphemism for... right? DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT!!! *shy* ^^;;.

I love being a fangirl because no one can say ANYTHING to me without my mind going in the GUTTER! And I totally love my mind being filthy and naughty because that often leads to spanking and spanking is LOVELY!!! :D:D:D

But yes - Euphemism. Everything means butt sex to the yaoi fangirl... especially if you are in England - OH GODDESS DOES IT EVER! "May I spread cream on your scones, Stanly?" "Why certainly, Edward, Here - have some jam!" or "Would you like some of my cucumber in your sandwich, Bernard?" "Only if you washed it first, Anthony!" And the ever classic : "MAY I MELT BUTTER ON YOUR HOT CRUMPET, SILVERBRIDGE???" to which the answer is a resounding "YES PLEASE! DOOOOOOOO!" *molestications ahoy!*.

Note that my favourite is actually : "may I bite into your muffin!" which is where all that IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST slash comes boldly into play... OH DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! You know very well that if Oscar Wilde was a Japanese fangirl he would be writing and selling Jack X Algy doujinshis (or Algy X Jack... the fandom is still torn over who is Uke and who is Seme regarding this pairing).

Aaaah!

^^;;

Also also alsoooo...

Note how there are no Johns (not by name anyway... by profession - there are PLENTY!) and Chris in YaoiLand England - there just AREN'T ok? But there is plenty of cream, jam and butter! So that is all fine.

riiiight....

Lets move on

To why you shouldn't let David Byrne design suits for YaoiLand employees!




Why do I get this nagging feeling that despite using only ONE manga for this entry with only a SINGLE theme it still ends up being one of the most RANDOM things I ever spewed on the cyber waves???

Anyhoo - this image disturbs me on levels far more subtle than the oddly skewed anatomy of the characters... it is all in the tie...

You see - I am one of those perverts who will actually STICK HER TIE IN HER TROUSERS because I live in fear of it dangling out of my waste-coat... it is worthy of note that the loose button disturbs me a lot less than the tie poking from the bottom of the jacket... honestly - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? @_@

The only comfort I get from the above image is that soon - the frumpy tie location will not be an issue since it would be strewn with the rest of the suit across the office floor and over desk chair and computer monitor... possibly in tatters... one would hope (flying buttons - the mark of a first class Seme in heat!).

And finally - the executive chair:




A fine piece of furniture for the discerning office smex appreciator. Note the leather padded arm-rests. Perfect for draping, bending and splaying your Uke over. They should use that line in IKEA - I bet it would bolster their sale like Bloody Hell! ^^;;.

Also the answer to the Japlish: "Why not be gentle to me!" is : "Because you don't really want me to BITCH! Now bend over and pass me the lube!"

Which of course you don't really need in YaoiLand because Uke's butts self lubricate... I wish mine did!

IT WOULD MAKE DOING THE TAXES A LOT LESS PAINFUL!!! ;_;



You see? In a cyclic way I return to the mundane reality of Lamasu's life ... albeit in a meandering and roundabout and one would hope FILTHY kinda way :D:D:D

And that is all for today... maybe later I will do a spell check... probably not. If my spelling mistakes make your eyeballs bleed then... ahhh... you should probably go and get a life TBH but if you don't really want to do that - at least spare yourself the pain and the dry cleaning bill and DON'T READ MY BLOG! >:D

And with that I am off to do motherly and secretarial duties ^^.