June 29th, 2009 (02:52 pm)
current mood: nerdy
Hello and welcome to another episode of "Lamasu Butchers a Book She Loves". And today victim is a book about blacksmiths checking each other butts in the forge whilst beneath them men with really BIG phallic weapons compare their... ahhh...phallic weapons on the battlefield... You could totally learn LOADS from a cover a book if you are a fangirl -it tells a story all of its own.
This is clearly going to be a tale of smex and fighting and horse shoe making and some more smex ... throw in some witch burning and hopefully some copious amounts of angst and you got yourself a winning formula. And this book wins. It is even TEH WINS which is quite splendidly delightful.
I give thee TRANSGRESSIONS by Erastes.
Here is the cover for your drools and giggles:
Blond affair goes by the name of David, Dark piece of Phuwar is Jonathan. YES JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE. now you KNOW they will have sex because even though (sadly) there isn't any indication for that in the bible (sorry guys - the bible, at least in Hebrew, NEVER shies of spelling the smut quite clearly, ESPECIALLY if it is sinful smut and David and Jonathan never had any buttsecks- deal with it... LIKE A FANGIRL!!! :D:D:D Just because the bible say - doesn't mean it didn't HAPPEN. I was a fangirl since before I was born - in MY bible they shag each other nightly... and Bathsheba was a MAN too ^^;;) you still get the point they would be totally in each other pants in no time... well... you WOULD get the point if I didn't go on a tangent in the middle there... sorry ^^;;.
All- righty! Here we plunge (tee hee... ok... I will stop that now... NOT!)
David is a Blond uke. He frolics in the fields being as naked as the season allows and he grows his hair long so the winds can blow it about his bronzed bod for extra BISH! :D:D:D He doesn't like working because working is hard work and hard work is too much work and not half as bishie. Also as our story begins - work for the day is milking cows. Cows involve adders and our uke is all like "OH NOES! ADDERS!" ... not in the business of fondling adders - DEAD UKE GIVE-AWAY... which is by the way - why where there are cows in YaoiLand there are COWBOYS and not MILK MAIDS ^^;;.
The other major job on the farm is in the forge. Pounding metal is a job for a Seme so David isn't up to it. He does the bare minimum to keep a nice muscle tone before going splish splashing in the lake where wandering semes can behold his bishiness.
So his father hires a Seme! Jonathan is the complete opposite... which means he is DARK, SERIOUS and RELIGIOUS! You can tell he is a puritan ... well... because David takes to calling him "my puritan" but mostly because he speaks in "thee" and "thou" like he was ripped from some lost Shakespearean play of gay angst and buttsecks. Also he broods a lot in a foreboding and admonishing way. Oh and he is really good with an iron rod - HARHAR and all that.
Cue some pleasing hours of semi naked swords and horse-shoe making in a hot, sweaty environment in which they check each other up, accidentally rub against each other and fumble with various tools ... OF THE TRADE!
Ah ... And they have to share a bed.
Ok... let me amend the sentence above:
THEY HAVE TO SHARE A BED! :D:D:D *sparkles* SQUEE!
And David, of course - sleeps naked! (there will be a lot of !!! in this review - get used to it). It is good because when it is summer - they get sticky and probably have to throw off the blanket in their ...errr... sleep, and when it is winter they have to HUDDLE together ... heheh - perfect! This makes Jonathan VERY uncomfortable - EVEN MORE PERFECT! ^_^.
The time and place is 1642 England the civil war is slowly filling the land with angst, puritans in search of witches (and buttsecks) and gay soldiers. The ideal setting for angst, puritan guilt, angst, army smex, angst and angst! And so it doesn't take long before a random and handsome gay soldier strays into the forge where upon he corner blond Uke boy and gives him a lesson in hay tumbling he can never forget... NO SRSLY. The first thing David think after he is sucked into heavenly bliss is that he must show it to his own puritan.... but not before Tobias the gorgeous gay soldier (for the king by the way... this probably sets David political affiliation so is important to mention) could teach him some more and then off he goes to die conveniently on the field of battle (or so we think...)
OK - here comes the spoiler warning.
SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <------- I love exclamation marks *squee* >:D
Before a puritan man in fear of his own cock could bloom into a full rough and gruff Seme - the Uke must ALMOST DIE. So David almost dies looking for his soldier on a battlefield which by the way just happened to be situated within a walking distance of the farm but not close enough to make it easy for Jonathan to carry him... through the rain of course. Jonathan has to nurse him to health which probably involves plenty of sponging and ogling his fine and tormented bare body.
One thing leads to another and before you know it they are blood brothers which means that they have sex in any place that David's father cannot see. At this place I figured he must be blind as is the rest of the village and the world because they have sex absolutely everywhere, all the time and rather noisily. YUMMERS! ^_^.
Jonathan turns out to be a jealous and aggressive Seme who takes his frustrations and his own internal conflicts on the yielding flesh of his eager OH SO EAGER Uke. The sex is so good Jonathan ends up having frequent spiritual visions during orgasms about golden haired archangels and flaming swords (euphemism for... I will leave it to you to decide ^^;;) ... and he takes these visions wrong way... totally ... there is a theme in that. Pay attention!
David gives him endless amounts of headaches. Not only does he make his own body rebel against his puritanical convictions but he is also a bit of a party goer and a babe magnet (well... he WOULD be since Uke pheromone would attract not only Semes but also every fangirl and fag-hag within a two mile radius - tested under laboratory conditions... in YaoiLand). Enter - Elizabeth. Token bitch and bad news - a milk maid of rivalling farm who throws herself into David arms whenever Jonathan skulks in the shadow. This is so he could be jealous and aggressive and make me nosebleed. He exhibits the typical Seme endless talent of TAKING EVERYTHING TOTALLY THE WRONG WAY... and never talk about it... because talking about it would explain everything and they would sit around and actually get to make swords and maybe drink some tea and that would be dull, dull, DULL.
Misunderstanding is good for the drama - you see? Can't have gay drama without... err... drama... DELICIOUS! ^_^. Throw in the fact that David is very good at lying... BADLY! And you have one Seme pounding iron in the forge of UBER ANGST! double Delicious. And on top of that every fight he picks up with his Uke ends up in a sizzling sex scene in which he internalize his frustrations within the velvety interior of his lover's arse! TRIPLE DELICIOUS! :D:D:D
Things come to a head (Yes... THAT head to... Goddess - are you all filthy minded or WOT?) when Elizabeth being a classic YaoiLand female PAIN (and not in the arse ... that would be the Seme, kay?) blames David for her pregnancy. You see... she saw Jonathan pounding him in the forge... well... not actually IN the forge but POUNDING nonetheless. So she noticed a birth mark on his butt (which puzzles me - since David has a penchant for nude swimming in anything that has liquid in it ... like: "Is that a pint of beer in your hand? LET ME TAKE MY KIT OFF AND SWIM IN IT!!!" you'd think that the whole village and the nearest three towns would know about his birth mark). This is proof enough. In a day when a wart condemns you as a witch - who are we to argue with historical court procedures.
Jonathan of course TAKES IT ALL TOTALLY THE WRONG WAY ... naturally... and believes Elizabeth. Which results in a dramatic heart wrenching scene in which he angrily smex David in a field more roughly than ever before which in YaoiLand is a sign of ever lasting love but this novel still labours under the false assumption it has no relation to yaoi WHATSOEVER! But we fangirls KNOW the truth! Anyhoo - David doesn't mind - he is an Uke, he is used to it(loves it even! HAH!) But he can't forgive Jonathan for not trusting him... oh I wonder why (clue - endlessly stumbling drunkenly into the forge reeking of alcohol swearing you never ever EVER touch any ale is NOT a firm foundation for trust in any relationship - one that blossoms in an Uke's butt is NOT an exception). But then again - we really don't want protagonists in a romance novel to be anywhere NEAR sensible. When David go all drama-queen - it is actually quite excellent.
And thus with much explosive delight and SQUEE we watch David burst into a shower of ANGST and runs off into the night, leaving Jonathan with a heart broken behind... he doesn't quite go : "David WHYYYYYYYY????!!!!" But he might as well have been because that how shattering the effect is.
And now starts a period of separation that would take most of the book. You might think this doesn't bode well for neither romance not smut but you would be utterly WRONG because of course - a good lengthy period apart, laced with regret and yearning which naturally festers into bitterness as both sides takes absolutely everything in the entire world TOTALLY THE WRONG WAY! only makes for delicious angst and even more delicious smexy conclusion. But more of that in the... yeah... conclusion!
So to their separate ways they go. We shall skip much - this novel is on the chunky side and has much historical stuff thrown in punctuated occasionally with some info-dump which thankfully doesn't last long and usually takes the form of italicized info under the chapter heading (which means it doesn't irritatingly pretends to be anything else - I AM LOOKING AT YOU RAISED BY WOLVES!!! ). Thankfully the research doesn't interfere too much with the story.
David joins the King's army. This is done for many reasons but primarily so his frivolous nature can be forged into hardened disillusionment which is almost as attractive as the collection of scars he picks up along the way (more on what scars do to the yaoi fangirl in a bit). He is very gorgeous and also hopelessly blond which means he is a beacon to every bum loving soldier in his vicinity and indeed he picks a pretty one who happened to be a friend of Tobias the apparently dead deflowerer of his youth. Goes by the name of Hal - likes shagging him hastily in the tent after a day of loosing to Cromwell and fucking lots of he-whores in the pub... needless to say David is not pleased.
Jonathan on the other hand being a gorgeous muscled puritan is a beacon to Cromwell whose soldiers snag him at first opportunity to fight on the other side... because conflict makes for better friction and friction is the backbone, spine and firm buttocks of a good M/M yarn and this one is GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! ^_^.
And you know. The civil war sweeps over the entire land but just like in YaoiLand M/M-Land turns upside down to throw two opposing lovers together. So they just happen to meet in the middle of a dark wood when after seeing his friends die horribly in a shower of shrapnel and gore David decides to desert and just happens to stumble to the very spot where Jonathan fumbles with his rifle. Overcome by emotions Jonathan goes through the ever classic "Of all the clearing, in all the forests in all of England - he has to walk into mine.... WHHYYYYYYY!" And then just so they could continue taking everything totally the wrong way - one of the King's men is about to shoot Jonathan in the back so David shoots him first which makes the king man ... well... it makes him DEAD but he manages to let one fly and hit Jonathan in the shoulder... Which makes it look like David shot Jonathan and THEN David is swept away into hiding before he has time to explain and Jonathan faints before he has time to understand. Splendid - just imagine the AAAAAANGST!!! XD.
So their roads split once more. From here on the most delicious part of the story follows the reversible fortunes of one ex-Seme. Because Jonathan injury has drained him of his Seme-ish qualities. He withdraws and wonders the land under the cover of silent, broken brooding. And you know it - a broken men is only out to be more broken... I was very much looking forward to see how much the author can demolish him before he could claw his way out of his own torments. As it turned out - it was merciless. HUZZAH! :D:D:D
But before we get into that - let us talk about David. David runs into Tobias. A man who isn't as dead as we assumed he would be. They run off to live in the deserted house of one lost uncle of Tobias in London where they fall in love and live unhappily not so ever after. They find work. David making horseshoes to some wild horses where he has to spend half of the week with a couple of pretty little gay assistants... because you know - wherever a gay man find employment - little Sodom will establish itself magically. Tobias is a man full of secrets and those secrets stand like a wedge between them - a melodramatic chasm of emotional pain that makes their love making desperate and steamy. Nice one! They maintain their secret relationship and I don't know how because they have big motherfucking cat-fights in the middle of the night that would alert everyone in the neighbourhood to the fact that two immigrants from Sodom just moved next door.. buuuut - this is London after all everyone is really good at ignoring immigrants! ^^;;.
Now we get to Jonathan. His religious inclinations finally drag him to some witch trials. whilst he sits in the audience to see the famous Hopkins do his THANG (and what a fantastic LOLsome fun that turns out to be... sorry Wiccan friends I am not trying to belittle your burning times but witch hunts are delightfully insane "she has a cat! And a wart! And she is Old! And she wouldn't give me all her money! A WIIIIITCH!!!"). The thing about the witch trials is that no matter HOW much the author tries to show us the conviction and righteousness through the eyes of Jonathan they STILL come out as utter bollocks because we live NOW and we can't switch off the present day goggles the way a fangirl can't take off the Yaoi Goggles. So I could see the twist of the fake knife (used to stab victims to prove they are guilty because they shed no blood) 150 pages before it happened. But this isn't the point really.
The point is that during the trial Jonathan eyes do not take in the old woman with the wart, nor the imposing figure of Hopkins himself who resides upon the dramatic craziness but to a golden beauty by the name of Michael who sits smiling beside the witch hunter looking every bit saintly with the sun hitting his BLOND hair. Yes. Jonathan cannot resist a blond and this one SHINES with blondness. OH HE IS SO BLOND he reminds him of David... so out of sheer hatred to David and all he represents - he decides to follow Michael like a puppy.
Michael is friendly and perfect and clever and very very very pretty and also blond. Did we mention he is blond? What he turns out to also be is an UTTER PSYCHO.
Now. To non Yaoi fans this might be a barrier of a sort because really - the man is a bloody loon! The really seriously in all real seriousness an honest to goddess creepy son of a bitch. With the excuse of preparing Jonathan for holy work by purging the devil out of him (which of course is the memory of David and the way he possessed his heart and cock) he shackles him to the wall and tortures the fuck out of him for DAYS.
The average non yaoi reader will find this appalling and I am sure this scene was not meant to arouse. BUT to a certain type of yaoi fangirl... me included... the absolute maniac is an object of lust - especially when he successfully breaks an Uber-Seme. (It goes back to Yami no Matsuei days and the utterly viciously nasty Dr. Muraki - can't be helped!) And break him he does - ENTIRELY! The torture is disturbingly delicious, Jonathan torments are fantastically and awefuly delectable. And the finale that sees him an absolute Zombie Slave to Michael is edible! I WANTED TO EAT THE WHOLE THINGS. It was soooooo screwed up! I can't stress this enough. Sheer unbridled, uncompromising brutality - it elevated this book in my eyes above A LOT of other M/M Romances and I read A LOT M/M Romances so BOY DO I LOVE THIS BOOK NOW.
And naturally - as is the nature of every fanatic - Michael can't help but giving biblical sermons about the the devil and the evils of sodomy WHILST TAKING JONATHAN UP THE ARSE... that comes without saying. You should have seen this coming. I did and I prayed for it and my prayers where answered. PRAISED BE THE LORD! ^^.
Jonathan is by far my favourite character in this because although religious conviction is quite common in historical gay fiction - he is a lot more extreme and a lot more broken and in FAR MORE SELF DENIAL (still a river in YaoiLand but it has a tributary in M/M-Land too ^^;;). There is something rather unsympathetic about him and I dooooooo love me some unsympathetic characters. Flawed to the core (as is David by the by with his lies and deceptions) and blinded by all the wrong things (apart from David Butt - that is entirely RIGHT!)
Jonathan now can't even piss without Michael permission. He is utterly at a loss when he is away and awaits his commands like a good trained dog. Every times he so much as THINK of David- Michael fucks him through the floor. This doesn't sit well with Hopkins and the rest of his crew mostly because the hulking subservient form of Jonathan gives them the creeps. And so one time when Michael is off to do some holy work he leaves Jonathan with instructions to interrogate and spy on the entire town ... which leads Jonathan to making friends for the first time in ages. Michael in utter FURY brings a male-whore into the hotel (blond of course)and forces a humiliating night of debauchery on him. BEST PUNISHMENT EVER! Then, one of Hopkins crew hints that Michael "disposed" of said whore and the seeds of doubt start sprouting. Michael goes off somewhere and Hopkins decides that it is time for Jonathan to leg it on his own to Cambridge.
One thing leads to another and Worlds begins to shutter around his ears, cracks of doubt form in the stone fortification he erected around his broken soul and speaking about erection - his cock which has been flaccid even during the night of whore-some debauchery, start twitching towards David again.
He is about to make his way to do the God's work in Cambridge ON HIS OWN, When Michael cunningly threatens a friend and his entire family in a creepy incident of creepy creepiness... goddess do the fangirl love CREEPY villains. Jonathan snaps and stabs him with his own knife... only to discover... IT IS FAKE!!! That does it really and Jonathan in a moment of divine inspiration and the biggest laugh of my life ACCUSE HIM OF WITCHCRAFT! And everyone believes him because deep down he is still Seme of them all - ZE ENDE! Michael is off to be hanged and we leave it at that. Oh the delicious LOL! XD
Meanwhile away in London, Tobias goes off on a mission just after a big bust-up in the stable about how little David knows about him whilst he knows ALL about David. David is about to ditch him when one of the gay stable hand (I knew they would be useful for SOMETHING... marital advice it is, apparently) convince him to go make love to him instead. There is a knock on the door of their house when in walks... *drumroll* ... Tobias' WIFE! *ShockHorrorShock* . This is the kind of obstacle that once overcome could only result in "happy ever after" or DEATH... since Tobias is not Jonathan he DIES! pure and simple.
Leaving David free and gorgeously sad with much sadness.
Off goes Jonathan to burn witches! Off goes David to kill some people in Holland.
Years go by.
And then upon his return to smelly old London (that is realism for you - London smells - Uke and Seme - still gorgeous!) he finds that some big general has a warrant for his arrest and he is snatched off brutally by some guards and hauled into a foreboding tower.
OH WE CAN'T SEE WHERE THIS IS LEADING AT ALL!!! heheh ... sorry... this part is lovely beyond words ... I can't help snarking XD.
He finds himself in a lavishly furnished room, with a lavish meal laid on the table, a lavish fire crackling in the lavish hearth and a lavish gorgeous silhouette brooding lavishly by the fire. The shadowy figures takes a sidelong glance at him and then... in a flurry of melodrama that gives away his Seme-ism, it escapes the room with a manly grunt of anguish...
Leaving David somewhat puzzled and even perplexed so he does what every good Uke would do and NOSE AROUND. Upon the bed he finds a random love poem that reduces him to tears. So he sobs for a bit remembering Jonathan and all that he lost. Then he finds some stacks of paper most of which... *GASPU* (as they say in fangirl Japanese... no...not really...) are of his younger self ... NAKED!
Then Jonathan walks back in... yes... it was Jonathan... I know you couldn't figure it out so I am making it clear. And they study each other. They are now well 'ard men ... no longer pretty boys... or so you would THINK... because you see the cold emptiness in Jonathan eyes just makes him more elusive, suggesting of unfathomable tragedy that needs to be dug out by his Uke and healed. David now has a scar on his face but that does not mar his looks because for a fangirl facial scarring = PHUWAR only lesser in PHUARness to a lost eye *swooooooooooons in an eye-patch related nosebleed* :D:D:D
But no eyes are lost here.
In fact this is the most beautifully written part of the book and truthfully - one of the loveliest thing I ever read as they study each other changes, mourning and accepting the lost years, letting in old memories and allowing a measure of painful conciliation to sink in... beautifully beautifully BEAUTIFULLY put into words.
Usually a romance novel ends up with a massively looooooong love scene but since we had plenty of those through the book - it isn't needed here. It is implied at the very end but the conclusion is brought with some emotional prose that reduced me to happy puddle of goo... YAY! :D:D:D
And so they fall into each other arms and Jonathan finally understand the vision he has been haunted by and they are making ready for having the smex of their lives...
THE OPEN END!
Now the author likes to keep this open... and she can TRY... yes we know that this is only a moment in happiness and the guards are still downstairs and it is a cruel cruel world our gay ancestors lived in (I pay them homage with my erect invisicock!) and their suffering was like no other and they might just be hanged once ... they... aaaah... stop smexing...
BUT
This is no obstacle for a yaoi fangril because whether you like it or not our head dictates that they would finish their steamy smexy affair in an explosive series of earth shattering orgazms then rush down butt-naked wielding big swords and even bigger cocks, cut their way though an army of evil guards and then go swashbuckling through London finally escaping to sea and to many adventuress amongst gay pirates with treasure, booty, plunder and buttsecks! And they will live if not happily ever after at least long enough to fill our dreams with steam and set our ears on fire!
The End!
Be that a warning to you all - open endings are just an invitation for the fangirl to spill the contents of her head into her blog.
And with this I now leave you to go buy this book - BUY IT! It is made of equal measures of WIN and AWESOME with some win and awesome sprinkled on top. Well done Running Press - in your attempt to supply us all with historical accuracy you instead gave us yet another novel of sheer FUN! Your attitude might annoy me but the books you publish are fabulous! :D:D:D
Right... Now I go off and try to deal with the summer ... which I personally hate because it is too hot and I can't wear a tie... BOO! ;_;
MIGHT deal with spelling and grammar later when summer related head-ache goes away... but probably might not so don't hold your breath and again... if spelling and grammar mistakes make your eyeballs bleed... SERVES YOU RIGHT! HEH ¬_¬.
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